“I miss myself” — Dr Shibani Ray-Mazumder

“I miss myself.” Three words. Dr Shibani Ray-Mazumder hears them from people who come to her once cancer treatment is over, and when she hears them, she pays attention.

I went into this conversation with the word “broken”. She put me right, politely. Not broken. Lost, more like. The person who was the manager, the one everyone came to for advice, is now second-guessing decisions they’d once have made before the kettle boiled.

Dr Shibani is a cancer psychologist based in California. She works mostly with professional women on life and work after treatment. We talk about the moment the bell rings, or not,  and everyone says congratulations, and you walk out of the building wondering where the team went.

We talk about the 3am wake-up, and why trying to solve your whole life at that hour is the wrong job for that hour. We talk about why “You’re back to normal” might be the least helpful thing anyone can say, and whether you’re allowed to lose your rag over a broken dishwasher when you’re supposed to be grateful to be alive. (You are, by the way, cancer or not.)

Then there’s the question I ask pretty regularly to anyone, in every country. Why does a system that spends a fortune getting you through treatment have so little to offer once you’re out the other side? Dr Shibani's answer is pretty straightforward. It's sits with profit.

If any of this sounds like your 3am, or like someone you love, send it to one person. Just the one who needs it.

In this episode
00:54 “I miss myself”
03:04 When the decisive one starts second-guessing
05:40 The bell rings… so where’s the team?
07:23 The 3am wake-up, and what to actually do with it
09:01 “You’re back to normal”
10:04 Am I still capable of this job?
13:27 Is it OK to let friends go?
15:44 Grateful, and furious at the dishwasher
17:13 Survivor’s guilt
18:39 Why is there no after-treatment system?
21:25 Going back to work isn’t the finish line
23:12 Where’s the money in aftercare?
24:07 Three things to remember

Is there one thing you wish someone had told you when treatment ended? I’d genuinely like to hear it: cancercandoone@gmail.com

Dr Shibani Ray-Mazumder, PhD, The Cancer Psychologist: https://www.thecancerpsychologist.com/
Read more on Substack: https://substack.com/@cancercandoone

CancerCanDoOne is free and always will be. It’s made by me and a microphone, and it travels from hand to hand and ear to ear.